Tips for finding a great partner to minimize future relationship problems
When chatting with a friend of mine about what a great marriage I have, he wanted to know how to get a great woman for himself. I said, “put her first.” Then he said “I don’t think I could do that.”
What my friend doesn’t realize is that to put someone first is an ideal way to find a truly great partner in life. When you meet someone and “put them first”, if they take advantage of your giving, you will know that they are a “me” person and they are not for you. But, if you “put them first” and they turn around and “put you first” you will know that they are a giving person like you. What will then happen is you both will start putting the “us” first. This reminds me of the words to a song from “The Music Man”, when Shirley Jones sang “Being in Love”:
And I would like him to be more interested in me Than he’s in himself and more interested in us than in me…
Of course, “The Music Man” was a perfect example of what not to do when looking for a life partner. Shirley Jones played a prim and proper librarian who had spent her whole life in the same town and Robert Preston was a traveling salesman con artist living an exciting life. Being a librarian, Shirley’s character is probably a “giving” person and Robert being a con artist would more likely than not be a “me” person.
So, what if you are a “me” person? Probably your best bet is to find a “giving” person and learn to find ways to give back to them on occasion. Some “giving” people will try to change you. They will want you to be more like them and will stay with you. But, if you just keep taking and taking and taking then they will eventually get tired of giving all the time and will find a way to leave.
So, here are a couple of quick and easy ways to find out if someone is a “giving” person or a “me” person.
- If it is important to them that they always be on time…
- If people can read their handwriting or just their signature…
The first case shows that they would rather put themselves out than inconvenience whoever they are meeting.
The second case shows that the person takes the effort to write clearly (without even realizing it) so the person reading wouldn’t be inconvenienced.
Sometimes a person may seem like a “giver” because they are friendly, a hugger and volunteers all the time. You may have to dig deep and use the two example indicators to find out if they really are a “giver” or just wanting people to think that they are important.
So You Already Have a Challenging Relationship or Marriage
I hate to tell you this but the answer to solving a challenging relationship is going to be put entirely on you. I’m sure that you are going to say that it isn’t fair that the whole burden should be on your shoulders. But I think you will find that it really isn’t as hard as you might imagine. In many cases, you would be surprised at the answer to restoring your healthy relationship.
One of my favorite sayings is:
It’s amazing how quickly someone stops throwing the ball when you stop catching it.
Unhealthy relationships and marriages are full of “buttons”. You have probably heard the phrase they “pushed my button” meaning they said or did something to you that they know would upset you or make you angry. So it is important that you find a way to stop catching the “ball” so you can stop them from throwing the “ball”. (Them throwing the “ball” makes you want to throw the “ball” right back at them.)
They could be hurtful or lazy, won’t do anything you ask them to do or communication has broken down or they just don’t “see” you anymore.
You have become full of negative emotions. Hate, anger, jealously, sadness, fear, anxiety, dread, sorrow and grief. Grief for what you once had and now is gone.
Now comes the kicker. What is the one thing that has caused all of these negative emotions to grow in you? What is the one thing that keeps you from overcoming the problems in the relationship? SELF-PITY. Some call it wallowing in “self-pity”. I know what you’re going to say, “I don’t wallow in self-pity” and I would say if you are experiencing any of the above negative emotions then “self-pity” is exactly what you are experiencing, maybe not excessively like the definition says but enough to cause the negative emotions.
Think about it…
Hate, anger – Someone has done something mean to ME.
Jealously – I don’t have what the other person has. (Envy)
Sadness, fear, anxiety, dread, sorrow, grief are all because something has been done to YOU.
Sure someone may have instigated it by doing something to you, but you are the one who is living it, they aren’t.
You see, that’s the key. When you realize that the only way that someone can hurt you is if you let them, then you can stop being hurt.
OK, sounds good, but how do you change yourself so you don’t “let them hurt you”? You need to train your mind to react differently and the words “self-pity” are the way you do it. Every time something is done to you, tell yourself “stop wallowing in self-pity”. Oh, in the beginning you will not want to stop feeling the self-pity because there is comfort in it. You will say to yourself, “but I want to feel sorry for myself, I deserve it because I was harmed”. But now that you know why you are feeling hurt and how you can change it soon you will not be able to continue the “wallowing in self-pity”. You will get over the hurt quicker and quicker until whenever someone tries to hurt you it won’t bother you at all.
Put the words “self-pity” everywhere you can think of. Program it into your phone or tablet as a constant reminder not to feel sorry for yourself in the event that a relationship problem occurs. Once your eyes have been opened to the fact that your wallowing is an internal problem which you yourself can overcome, the ability for marriage issues or other relationship challenges to hurt you will be nullified. Your spouse or significant other will no longer have power over you. Your confidence will grow because you will feel more in control of your relationship rather than always reacting to what others do. The change in your attitude will cause the other person to reflect on their own. If they like the change in you, they will want to be with you more. If they don’t like the change well…
If there is still love and respect (depending on the situation), it should become a more balanced relationship with more sharing and peace. Communication without hostility will allow a better chance of reconciliation.